By JOHN JAMES MARSHALL/Designated Writers

I try to stay as far away from college football conspiracy as possible because they are almost all driven by fans with overactive imaginations. I particularly try to stay away from SEC conspiracy theories because they almost always center around Alabama. But there’s something about the start time of the Utah State-LSU game that really smells.

Let’s see, Alabama’s Nick Saban complains about how his team plays too many games in the afternoon because it’s hot in Tuscaloosa. So the SEC does something about it … and gives LSU two games in three weeks not just in the afternoon, but at 11 a.m. in the morning.

Last week, it was Vanderbilt and in two weeks, it’ll be another dew sweeper against Utah State. (The Tigers have this week off.)  LSU oughta be thankful that there isn’t a 9 a.m. time slot.

(Mind you, this is particularly galling to me because I now have 50-yard line tickets that I can no longer use.)

To make matters worse, do you know what game is being played at night on October 5 on the SEC Network? That would be Vanderbilt and Ole Miss. That’s winless Vanderbilt against not-very-good Ole Miss. I’ll bring the chips and salsa!

So The Grove is such sacred ground that the people in Oxford can’t get their Topsiders wet in the morning grass? Tough it out, Tripp/Hunter/Niles or whatever your name is.

They could have also put LSU-Utah State in the 3 p.m. slot, but apparently it was reserved for that great intersectional rivalry that is Troy and Missouri. Either one of those in the Top 5?

I understand the conference dynamic. Every team, no matter what the status, should have to take an 11 a.m. hickey every once in a while. But consecutive games for LSU? There should be some right of refusal if you are in the Top 10. Once is plenty, especially for a program like LSU where night games are traditional.

At least Alabama won’t have to worry about it being too hot. The Crimson Tide isn’t playing that day.

By TEDDY ALLEN/Designated Writers

We’re going to need you of the aging population — DW is looking at itself here — to be a little more careful out there.

DW’s friend Tim, retired and lovin’ it, took a spill during the annual pilgrimage he and his wife take to Orange Beach to gaze at the Gulf and the White Sand, capital letters intended.

And of course since they are older, he went to the Santa Rosa Shooting Center in Pace, Florida because, I mean, the FloraBama doesn’t allow shooting. Not legally.

“I had just completed my first station of clay offerings (all pairs) and was leaving the station to go to my next one,” Tim told me. “It seems my short term memory of having to step UP to my station was forever gone.  So as the saying goes, ‘that first step is a doozie’ was immediately apparent to this old man.”

Keep in mind he is carrying a weapon when he finds himself in a stumble-fall on his way to the back wall of the platform made of rather sturdy 2×6 boards with 4×4 posts. Bad sitch.

“Since I have had two joint replacements (knee and shooting shoulder), my first thought is not let either of those to be points of impact,” he said. Funny how we are programmed for survival in these blink-of-an-eye moments when we know we’ve screwed the pooch.

“Consequently,” he said, “with the grace of an acrobat, I rotated in mid-air so that those areas would be spared.  The triceps area of my right arm and my head contacted the previously described wall.  I wasn’t knocked out but the stars were ‘out’ during daytime and the old thin frail hide of my arm was peeled like a skin graft had been harvested.  Being on low-dose aspirin, the blood-letting caused a stir.  Gauze and plenty of tape got things under control.”

He apologized for holding up the game and righted himself at the next shooting station.

“I was from then on focused on where my feet were and where they needed to go,” he said. “My cap saved my bald head.  I didn’t notice that my scalp had a little hide missing also until I was driving back to Orange Beach.

“I’m now worried that the kids are going to take away my keys and make us stay at home.”

If you’re “packing” anywhere other than the shooting range Tim, I hope they do.

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