By JOHN JAMES MARSHALL/Designated Writers

REDNECK RIVIERA — It was a sound, well-conceived strategy and I apologize to no man for it. But sadly, I am now suffering the consequences of my actions.

Back during the great paper plague — your toilet, your towel, etc. — every Thomas, Richard and Harold was gathering up what they could when it came to items on that aisle at the grocery store. It was a free-for-all like none we had seen before. And one fateful Sunday morning, I stumbled upon a six pack of paper towels that I was going to keep me in business for awhile.

I didn’t even care what brand it was. As it turned out, I should have.

Socked it away for when the current supply ran dry, but amazingly it never did. As I kept hitting the paper towel lottery, these guys stayed in the back of the pantry.

Hey, here’s a bright idea! I’ll bring it along during the summer vacation! As any condo renter knows, they usually give you one roll to start your week-long stay and after that, you’re on your own. So bringing some with you is one less item to have to buy at Publix.

This week it’s been a sad lesson to learn, one sheet at a time.

You can’t begin to comprehend how bad the paper towels I bought in March are. It is physically impossible to tear a sheet off and not have it break off halfway down. Time after time I’ve tired, as if somehow the paper towels are suddenly going to improve.

I’m suffering from perforation anxiety.

What really scares me is how close I came to actually having to use these in a non-vacation situation. I was about one roll away a few months ago and these guys were on deck. Think of the spillage possibilities. The dead cockroach that would have needed to be eradicated. Bacon grease that needed to be drained.

Having to live under these horrid paper towel conditions has been no day at the beach. Even at the beach.

By TEDDY ALLEN/Designated Writers

One of the DW co-founders took a physical knee Monday when he heard the news of Charlie Daniels’ passing from a stroke at 83. The other co-founder is not a Southern rocker, which is why we didn’t found Designated Southern Rockers.

I liked his music but never had a Charlie Daniels Band cassette or album or CD. I liked him because he worked so hard at what he did. He’s said often that he didn’t have a lot of what he felt was natural musical talent, so he had to work harder to learn how to play everything and then keep practicing religiously. Obviously he was a stud on fiddle and electric bass because if you’re a studio musician in Nashville—and he was when he started out—you’re the best of the best.

He threw in mandolin, banjo, and guitar too.

Plus wrote songs.

Plus I’ve heard a few stories from friends who’ve been around him and they all end the same way, with Charlie Daniels (doesn’t feel right to just call him Daniels, right?) being nice, thoughtful, considerate, giving of his time. He sang for the troops in Iraq and was proud of and hopeful for his country.

He was quick to smile and worked hard onstage and might have liked a biscuit and a fried pie or two.

Plus he was in Urban Cowboy! (Debra Winger: “FINE! FERGIT IT!”)

So quickly, The Top 10 Charlie Daniels Songs According To Me.

Honorable Mention is CDB’s cover of Sharp Dressed Man, which is not as good as ZZ Top’s original but I’m proud he tried. And I love the song.

Carolina, I Remember You: Sentimental.

The Legend of Wooley Swamp: NOT sentimental. “If you ever go down to the Wooley Swamp, well you better not go at night…”

Still in Saigon: “Thirteen months and fifteen days, the last ones were the worst.
One minute I kneel down and pray, And the next I stand and curse.”

Simple Man: “I’m a simple man, that’s what I am, call me a redneck, I guess that I am…”

Long-Haired Country Boy: CDB’s ode (sort of) to Greta Garbo, who famously said, “I want to be let alone.”

The South’s Gonna Do It Again: NO!, not THAT. It’s about Southern rockers, the Marshall Tucker Bands and ZZ Tops and Lynyrd Skynrds of the world, those guys.

In America: Or, in ’Murica! True story: I put my hand on a Pittsburgh Steeler fan once, just to see and … didn’t turn out well.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia: This is the song Charlie is singing in Urban Cowboy live at Billy Bob’s. Generally, if somebody doesn’t know any other CDB songs, they know this one.

Drinking My Baby Goodbye: “I couldn’t make her stay, well doggone her anyway…”

Trudy: “I was raking in chips like Grant took Richmond, ’till Big John Lee come-a strollin’ in…” Love Trudy. Could listen to it over and over again. And have.

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