Ran originally in January 31, 2021 editions of The Times and The News Star.

Hurt me that Larry “The Interview” King died this week at 87, but did you know he worked in Shreveport-Bossier in the early 1970s? Been so long you might have known and forgotten…More in a moment but first…

Thought I was having a bad day this week until this headline ambushed me: “China rolls out anal swab coronavirus test, saying it’s more accurate.” The traffic jam and the annoying phone call and the twice-a-week nose swabs I’ve complained about were suddenly not so bad. Goodbye, Beijing! No thank you on the anal swab, a two-word phrase I have never typed and will never type again. The best two-word phrases ever are Free Golf and Let’s Eat. The worst is the two-word phrase causing panic today from Shanghai to Chengdu…

So you knew Larry King worked in public relations at Louisiana Downs and did color for the Shreveport Steamer football radio broadcasts way back when, right? A few years later he began writing a weekly column, sort of rambling musings, for USA TODAY, from 1982-2001. They were filled with ellipsis…it’s these three dots that strung his thoughts together…so today’s effort is dedicated to him. From 1985-2010, Larry King Live on CNN was must-see TV as he interviewed everyone from presidents to butchers to writers. It was a graduate class in interviewing: he’d ask efficiently and shut up and listen intently…He also spoke one early Saturday morning at our Louisiana Sports Writers Association annual convention to a bunch of us members in a little meeting room at a hotel on Lake Street in Shreveport. Hilarious and engaging…this was pre-heart attacks so he was chain-smoking matchstick-thin cigarettes as long as a trombone…

Got my first store-bought haircut in 11 months this week. Hilda my Emergency Barber said, “I don’t know where to start,” so she just brushed my hair into a big ball, wrestled a comb into it, pulled, and electric clippered row after row of what were basically strands of barbed wire that had some of the characteristics of human hair. Reminded me of weed eating. Took five minutes and my head weighs 10 pounds less now…How does a plane fly? The air is thin when I walk though it every day, so how is it thick enough to hold a plane?…And the old joke about the Thermos: it keeps things either hot or cold. But how does it know which one, hot or cold, I’m putting into it? A Thermos is smarter than me and probably understands how a plane flies too…

Spousal unit was craving Chocolate Cheerios, which have been AWOL at the store for nine months, so she ordered some online. Who knew? Cost: 10 bucks. At least it was the extra-large box. (It’s a good pre-bedtime snack.) When I picked the shipping box up off the porch my thought was, “We ordered a puzzle?”…Speaking of delivery, no clue here how any major delivery operation, including the US Postal Service, operates. How does it work? How CAN it work? No way it should. Another question for another time…I am either always loading or unloading the dishwasher…

Got a Dad Joke Desk Calendar for Christmas and am driving people crazy and it’s only January. What do you call an elephant that no one cares about? Mr. Irrelephant…Reason One Million and Five why the NCAA institutions need a Czar of some sort to oversee things: No one knows what to do about postseason hoops tournaments. Do you play league tournaments or not? Who plays and where? If you qualify for the Big Dance but then test positive for the virus between your league tournament and the NCAA Championship Tournament, does a replacement team step in, and who might that be? No uniform rule yet, and don’t hold your breath…

Hurts me that Dawn Wells passed away in December at 82. The fetching Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island, she once signed a head shot of herself for me to give to a friend. She wrote, “Rescue me!” Exclamation point and everything…Ditto Cloris Leachman, who died this week at 94. Perfect as Phyllis Lindstrom on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, but my favorite work of hers is as Frau Blücher in Mel Brooks’ 1974 classic, Young Frankenstein. Her “Ovaltine” scene is the best. Google that and also the outtakes from the movie. You’ll laugh so hard you’ll send me flowers. Or chocolates. Or Chocolate Cheerios…

Until next time…

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