This originally ran Sunday, June 7, 2020 in The Times and The News-Star and in other places along the USA TODAY NETWORK.
(Ed.’s Note: A quick check of the records shows Paperboy has been out of the loop since Chapter 53 ran in January of 2018. I thought it was a contract dispute, but it turns out he’d just run out of typing paper. He’s decided to return, he told me, “for the Greater Good during this International Crisis.” We’ve had our differences, but it’s good to see him again. I think…)
Dear Ask the Paperboy:
What kind of “times” are these? People keep telling me these are certain kinds of times and can’t seem to settle on one description. I don’t know who or even whom to trust anymore during these fill-in-the-blank times.
Quarantined in Quitman
Dear Quarantined,
Paperboy feels your Pandemic Pain, or PP, as sociologists call it. It’s usually radio and television announcers telling us something or other about “during these confusing times” or “during these uncertain times,” and then they proceed to tell you they are still “here for you” even through these “troubling times.”
The Top 5 Kinds of Times Paperboy Has Heard are these:
Uncertain Times
Unprecedented Times
Confusing Times
Trying Times
Troubling Times
Paperboy started keeping up early and has also heard erratic times, unsure times, irregular times (as if these times were someone’s bowels), unpredictable (amen!) times, unstable times, and at least one time each Paperboy has heard both hairy times and speculative times.
There is also the other end of this, and that would be the sign off. Paperboy has been told to “Stay Healthy!” and “Stay Fit!” but mostly he has been told to “Stay Safe!” Paperboy gets uncomfortable when people start launching command sentences over his bow during pandemics. To “Stay Safe!” during these unsafe (?) times is a hard promise to keep.
Regardless, what an interesting time it is, an extraordinary time to be alive. Uncertain and confusing and trying, but extraordinary.
Dear Ask the Paperboy:
I ate SPAM twice last week, once right out of the can. Does that mean I’m cracking, suffering Quarantine-Pattern Breakdown (QPB)? Help me Oprah!
Locked Down in Logansport
Dear Locked Down,
Pump the breaks. You are experiencing the Stages of Quarantining (SOQ), that’s all. Perfectly normal. SPAM is in fact its own stage and part of another stage.
- Nice to Everyone Stage: Lasted about two weeks.
- Tiger King Stage: Also lasted about weeks for some, two minutes for others like Paperboy.
- Walking Because It’s “Good for You” Stage: We’ve done the math and Paperboy and his spousal unit have Pandemic Walked (PW) from north Louisiana to just east of Meridian, Mississippi; we figure to be in Florida by the end of June.
- SPAM Stage
- “What Day of the Week Is It?” Stage: Don’t feel guilty; no one else really keeps up with this one anymore either. Makes you wonder why we ever had “days” to start with.
- Forget Underwear and Burn the Bras
- “Wait: We Can Use Those As Toilet Paper” Stage
- “Who Am I Quarantining With Again, Please?” Stage: Approaching Lockdown Day 80 (LD80), things are starting to get foggy. Here’s how you remember who your spousal unit is: it’s that person you say “Excuse me” to 147 times every day in the kitchen.
- Quarantine Traffic Jam (QTJ) Stage: The other day Paperboy, Paperboy’s dog and Paperboy’s Quarantine Buddy (QB), each coming from different directions, arrived at the same spot in the house at the same time. There was screaming and screeching, prehistoric barking and the sound of burning rubber, but a smashup was avoided. Barely. It’s happening more and more. Might have traffic lights installed. QTJ is also referred to as the Pandemic Pileup (PP, not to be confused with Pandemic Pain) or the Lockdown Logjam (LL).
- SPAM Hoarding Stage: This is when you hide two cans so only you know where they are, just in case. (Expiration date November 2023; you can’t be too careful during these confusing, SPAM-hoarding times.)
Stay SPAM!
-30-