I got some disappointing news about a friend of mine earlier this week. Actually, he was the one who delivered the news, but it was disappointing nonetheless.

This is someone I have known a long time. Coached with him. Played golf with him. Watched him lose the family vacation fund on a bad acey-duecy card game hand that defied all odds.

Sure, he’s a little older than I am, but I still wasn’t expecting it. You never expect to hear news like this.

My friend is a mall walker.

(Having now put that in print, I’m going to need a few moments to gather my thoughts.)

Yep, the other day he let it slip that he had seen somebody else we know and was making a Seinfeld character comparison. He saw this guy while walking. In the mall. (There … I said it.)

Are climate-controlled conditions are crucial to these people? I mean, you have to walk to your car so you can drive to the mall; why not just keep walking? If it’s cold, put on a jacket! And the thing is, this guy will play golf in sub-Arctic conditions. But it’s got to be 72 degrees and dry to go walk? Doesn’t compute.

What happens when they walk by Aeropostale or Banana Republic and they’ve got some hellacious sale going on? Can you duck in for a quick fitting or is that a breach of mall walker etiquette? Do you pass on the left or do the normal rules of transportation apply? At what point does mall walking end and out-and-out loitering begin?

I don’t know the rules and don’t want to know the rules. I know I should applaud these people for wanting to stay fit. But let’s admit it; it’s more just a little bit cheap, wouldn’t you say? These days, you can join a health club for $10 month and walk on a treadmill at all hours of the day or night.

But then, how would anyone know how many steps it takes for a complete lap, starting at Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Shop?