By JOHN JAMES MARSHALL/Designated Writers

Whenever possible, I try to keep my original-issue body parts (baby teeth notwithstanding). But the other day, I had to wave bye-bye to a non-essential part of my being.

And if you are going to lose one, this would be your guy.

I am no longer the owner of one of my toenails. Granted, there a couple there that barely even meet the minimum qualification for being an actual toenail, but I lost the Granddaddy of the All.

I am thankful that I still have all 10 toes, but my toenail clipping time has now been reduced by 10 percent. When you start running the numbers, imagine how much more productive I can be!

Somewhere along the line, some form of mutant fungus crawled all up in there – again, if you are going to have a mutant fungus, isn’t the best possible landing area? – and has been picking up its mail on my right big toe for about a year now.

Sure, it’s gross, but it’s not like anybody ever saw it. I refuse to wear any kind of open-toed shoes – yes, I am that guy on the beach in tennis shoes – so my ugly toenail wasn’t getting a whole lot of (literal) air time.

I figured this baby wasn’t going to fix itself and my physician said I had a better chance of winning the lottery than nursing my guy back into playing shape. And at this age, you’re basically just living life between doctor’s appointments, so I decided to add a foot specialist to the rotation.

To be honest, the thought of stubbing my toe and ripping Mr. Toenail off in this horrifying method did not appeal to me in the least, so I needed someone with a diploma on the wall.

The doctor hadn’t even walked into the room before he gave me the diagnosis – it’s a goner. A couple of numbing needles and what looked like a pair of pliers and that was all she wrote. Not exactly major surgery, but it was a bit unsettling that my foot wasn’t quite as numb as I would have liked. “Does that hurt?” is never a question I want a doctor to ask, but it is better than “Dang, I’ve never seen that before.”

And when it was over, me and the nail-less little piggy went wee, wee, wee all the way home.